Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
