from now on my penis is your penis
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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