Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just had sex bonerless
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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