Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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