Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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