Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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