how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
