This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
