Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
