I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
