My hand turned me down
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
