just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
