sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
