PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
