I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
