The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
