exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
