we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
3 2 1 whiskey
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize