I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
