____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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