i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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