I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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