Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sobbing to NWA
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
