Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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