The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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