Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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