I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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