my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
