I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
