I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
