my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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