i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
