i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
