I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
