Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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