I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Drunk is not a location!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
