Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
