what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
