yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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