I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
