The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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