I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
