So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
