So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
