Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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