i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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