in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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