dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
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You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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