I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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