she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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