Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I smell stomach acid.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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