someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
