We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
