and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
