I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
