and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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