you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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